Monthly Archives: September 2014

Negotiations

TAF: You’re still not allowed to commit suicide.
LUM: What if I gave you chocolate?
TAF: You are the chocolate fiend, not me.
LUM: What if I gave you an apple?
TAF: No.
LUM: What if I gave you ten apples?
TAF: No.
LUM: What if I gave you an apple TREE?
TAF: No.
LUM: But then you’d have a lifetime of apples!
TAF: But I would NOT have a lifetime of LUM.
LUM: What if I gave you an apple and three and twenty dollars?
TAF: No. Twenty-three dollars, seriously?
LUM: I’ll go up to thirty, but that’s my limit.
TAF: No. Give it up, you’re not winning this argument.
LUM: You drive a hard bargain. Forty?
TAF: NO.
By this point, both of us are nearly crying from laughing so hard. Neither of us really has the breath to continue.
LUM: *still laughing* What the fuck is wrong with us?
TAF: *breathless* I don’t know!

My roommate, who has dubbed himself Large Unhappy Male (LUM), rescued a spider at work. The people around him were freaking out and shrieking. LUM gently picked it up and brought it outside, where he released it into the grass. When he came back, his co-workers were staring at him rather incredulously.

Co-Worker: I cannot believe you are nicer to spiders than you are to people!

LUM: Well, I LIKE spiders…